I’m in trouble at work. The boss called me in, gave me a right going over about time keeping, taking days off and generally not working even when I show up. Look at the state of me. Look at the black and blue around my eyes, the bags are good for Tesco’s finest. I can’t tell anyone the truth about it all. I was so tired last night, I left them to it and I put up my tent in the garden. It’s only a two manner but with my wee oil lamp and sleeping bag it was quite cosy. I lay back with a good book and a cup of tea from my flask, it felt quite relaxing. I blew my light out, and that’s when it started.
I could see their wee faces at the bedroom window, soundless words mouthed at the panes. I could hear them knocking. They wouldn’t stop. Rapid, rapid on the glass with the little studs on their hands and feet. So fast, hailstones raining down to such a crescendo I heard the window crack. No! I shouted up but then remembered I couldn’t, not without waking up the whole street. I watched as they licked the cold glass their tongues going redder with each lick. They seemed to enjoy it. The flavour, of glass. I watched as the light went on in the bathroom, tongues licking now blurred but with more fervour. The shadows spooked between the blinds, laughing at me, dancing up and down, enticing me to go up to play. I don’t want to bloody play I shouted, screeched, wailed, I don’t know the terminology of the guttural Neanderthal sounds that came out my body. I rolled around on the wet grass, I spread out like a snow angel, because we all know that angels can come to help you. Please please come to help me. Help! I looked up at the man in the moon. You’ll do. Come here, I shouted. I became aware of more light in the garden. I could see the twitching curtains of Rab and Vivien. The crazy old bat from 92 struggled to get into her goonie and get her glasses on. Oh yeah, have a good look. Crazy man on the grass beside his tent. But, you don’t know about them though. I bow down on my knees and weep, deep sobs wracking my body, heaving air into my lungs, I just want to sleep. One night. In my bed. In my bedroom, with no effing aliens. Please GOD, I weep and I weep.
I am vaguely aware of a slow pulsing blue light. Mr Brown? A voice says from the blue. Yep, that’s me constable. You’re causing a disturbance sir. Your neighbours called. I think it would be best if you went in now sir. Went in? Went in? With them? Are you crazy? I mean, look at them, taunting me, eating the glass. I looked up and all was calm. The lights were out. The policeman looked at me with the strangest of expressions, confusion, disbelief, you get the picture. They are in there! I screamed. They come out the telly. Most of the neighbours had turned out for the show.
I glanced up to see the calming face of my local GP. Thank god you’re here, you know me, seen you last week. All these years, colds, chest infections, ingrown toenails. I am a reasonable man! He shook his head, taking more interest than necessary admiring his new shoes. Yer shoes? Yer looking at yer shoes? It slowly dawned on me. You think I’m mad as well! I decided the local bobby needed a punch on the nose but he was very wiry, the blow hitting my doctor. I felt my arms being held behind my back and struggled to break free. By the time I had fought with two officers of the law and one green uniformed paramedic, I was exhausted. They carted me off in an ambulance, sparing me the humility of sirens.