You’ll never guess what happened. You know that Brogan Smith? Well, we were skiving yesterday. Along the panny. That big Charlie was there wi his mates, honestly Madison, you should have seen them. They said they’d taken some legal high. Said they were stoned out their faces. I don’t know though, they could have been putting the whole thing on. Anyway, that Charlie Christanos, he came on to Brogan. You know what Brogan’s like, she’s no idea how to say no. They were snogging and everything for ages before she came up for air. For God’s sake, she is such a cow. He got her blouse open all the way down. He nearly had her bra off before she made him stop. You could see her boobs, well one of them. She tried to do herself up but he wouldn’t really let her. He kept whispering in her ear and undoing a button every time she got one fastened. There’s something not right about him.
The two girls wandered along to school discussing boys and how far you would go with who. Nobody they knew would ever get to go the whole way. Lucy linked arms with Madison and happily wandered into school the usual five minutes late. Nothing the school could do about that, they both smiled at the thought of another little victory against the system. Quickly though, (mobs weren’t allowed in school), before the teacher arrived Lucy had a quick look at Facebook. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing, the horror of watching her friend Brogan and that Charlie from yesterday in full snog, him releasing her from her blouse, showing off her pale milky skin and the breast that had managed to be teased out. Oh my God! She showed it to Madison who reiterated. The girls couldn’t wait to get out of Maths to get the full low down. Who else had seen it? At break, everyone converged in the girl’s toilets, most of the school knew. Those who didn’t were soon informed as the images of Brogan were passed around the toilets. Some of the girls laughed knowingly, safe in the knowledge they themselves would never be caught out like that. Others knew it could be anyone of them, they had to be careful and just not get caught out. Things like this had happened before but nothing quite so graphic, this was video. This was pornographic. Nothing less.
Brogan checked into Facebook as usual before she put the light out. In the quiet of her bedroom with pink and white fairy lights twinkling around her bed, some more on her mirror, everything was warm safe and cosy. The tv had been switched off ages ago, she’d been chatting all night to on-line friends who had been showing her how to apply eye make-up on U Tube. Eyebrows were the thing to be seen with at school. What stared at her from the screen shocked her to the core. Brogan, almost naked with Charlie Christanos. Full view. No getting away from it. She slammed the tablet off the wall, cracking the screen and alerting her mother and sister. She’d locked the bedroom door. She didn’t want to see them and no, she didn’t want anything from anybody. She was fine and was going to sleep. She lay in the darkness going out of her mind. How many people had seen this? Did Lucy and Madison know? Slowly she added up all the people who would know, every boy in school for starters. Charlie would have passed it on to whoever he wanted to impress. His skanky mates were probably wanking over it right now, she shuddered. She couldn’t face the morning, not ever again. Everyone knew she was a bad person and that’s why this video was passed round. Everyone knew her. It’s all my own fault, she told herself, adding every derogatory adjective she could think of. What can I do? She lay in a ball under her snuggle throw and wept till she had no tears left. Nothing.
Madison told her a few weeks ago about a video online describing the best suicide techniques. She thought back. She remembered being horrified that her friend had been looking at stuff like that. Madison had had an argument with her boyfriend and said that her life wasn’t worth living anymore. Brogan was shocked, she tried to console her friend, she wasn’t having any of it. She cried all day and didn’t come out of her house for two days until the boyfriend appeared on the doorstep feeling remorseful and swearing undying love. Madison was cured again. Brogan knew this was different. Being unable to use the tablet she googled suicide on her phone. Lots of interesting ideas surfaced. She researched it for hours, the problem now not being who had seen the video, but how to make everything go away.
Brogan crept downstairs, the house was silent now, she didn’t want to alert anyone. She pulled out the kitchen drawer that housed an ever-growing number of plastic bags from shopping trips with her Mum and sister. The Primark one looked as if it would do the job. Thinking of her Mum, she remembered her saying these chefs on the telly had as many different knives. You only need one good sharp knife to do the job, her favourite being the wee one used for peeling potatoes. She made sure it was razor sharp. Upstairs she sneaked into the bathroom and located in the cabinet an old bottle of Valium that her Mum had been prescribed after she had bruised her ribs.
Back in the safety of her bedroom she wrote a note to her Mum and sisters. She said she didn’t mean to do it. She hadn’t realised Charlie had undone her blouse. That everybody in school has seen the video now. I can’t go there again. People had already messaged her with bad comments. How can I face all those people who used to be friends? It really was the end of the world Mum. She held the knife in her right hand and pierced her left wrist. Deep red blood trickled out. She scored it violently up her main artery, happy at the sight of more blood. Her bedroom lost its twinkle and bling. Things had got very grey, dark. She was lost in the fog of her brain. She would never get out of it. She was trapped in that nether world. She took a drink of coke and swallowed the Valium, maybe twelve would do. She gulped as many in one go as she could. Lastly, as her family slept, unknowing, she pulled the Primark bag over her head and tied it around her neck. As she was doing this, the receipt for two t shirts and a pair of jeans dropped onto the bed.